Colorado Springs, CO
Father Anthony, of the Sacred Heart Catholic Church, disclosed for the first time Wednesday that Santa Claus also knows when kids are masturbating.
While most children had accepted the fact that Santa knew when they were sleeping and Knew when they were awake, as well as whether or not they'd been bad or good, the disclosure of his additional ability of whether or not they'd been masturbating was met with both surprise and anxiety.
“Kids really need to know that in order to get gifts from Santa, they would have to refrain from that kind of disgusting activity” Father Anthony said. “As long as they're nice children who've been good all year and haven't been touching their naughty parts, they should be just fine. “
Some area residents were concerned that Santa Claus may be watching the children too closely. “That's a lot of pressure for a youngster," said child psychologist Nancy Stubing. “These kids get so excited by the possibility of all those great presents and in the days leading up to Christmas, they really need some release. I think both Santa and Jesus should understand this.”
During a question and answer session after the announcement, several children questioned whether it was okay to resume masturbating after the holiday season and if so, would that count towards the next calendar year. Father Anthony admitted they might be able to “sneak one past him," but it would be difficult since Santa must check his list of masturbating children twice before making any final decision.
Alter-boy, Anthony Chiarchiaro 13, didn't think it was very fair. "There are lots of Jewish kids who masturbate: what about them ...Plus I hear they get like eight days of presents, and what about Muslim kids"?
Father Anthony acknowledged the differences, but explained that "Whereas, I'm not quite sure about the Jews, I've got it on pretty good authority that all Muslims will burn in hell for all eternity, along with the Democrats, or anyone who voted for Kamala Harris.
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